By Lori B. Murray
There was a time when talking to your child about sex was a
one-time event. Mom or Dad sat the child down, gave him or her the
facts, and it was over. Mission accomplished, so to speak.
Today's childhood experts warn parents not only about the
urgency of talking to their child about sex, but also the
importance of maintaining an open and ongoing line of
communication. Conversing with your child about sex cannot be
adequately accomplished in one setting. As your child grows, his or
her needs change. More important, society is changing, and parents
need to keep their kids informed of these changes.
The talks need to begin earlier than you might think.
Fifty-three percent of all high school students have had sexual
intercourse by the time they leave high school, and three million
teenagers contract a sexually transmitted infection every year.
Unfortunately, 72 percent of boys and 66 percent of girls say
they first learn about sex from someone other than their parents.
And although most parents would rather their child heard about sex
from them, it's not an easy topic to address.
For this reason, Planned Parenthood has developed a video, a
60-page parent guide and a student activity book titled, ''Talking
About Sex: A Guide For Families.''
Ann Rudrauff, Education and Training Director for Planned
Parenthood, says, ''Parents are the first line educators of youth.
We want to support parents in that effort.'' Because there is
age-appropriate information that can be given to a child as he
grows, Rudrauff recommends that parents view the video alone
beforehand. They can then choose what they want to share with their
child, using certain parts at different stages in their child's
life.
''These are personal issues, and that's what makes it so hard to
talk about,'' adds Rudrauff. Parents often feel like they're
talking about their own lives. Angie Chesser Ph.D., R.N., C.S.,
clinical nurse specialist in psychiatry at Ohio State University,
says, ''Parents need to accept the fact that this is awkward.''
But with over 60 different sexually transmitted infections out
there, kids' health is at stake. It may be hard to talk about, but
it's as necessary as talking about drugs and violence.
Remember that if you haven't yet started talking with your child
about sex, says Chesser: ''It's never too early and it's never too
late.'' Kids want to hear what their parents think and believe.
Here are some tips for opening up the lines of communication:
+ Be a part of your child's world. Get to know his friends and
influential people in his life and what he likes to do in his spare
time. Spend time with him. By doing so, you've opened the first
lines of communication.
+ Make use of ''teachable moments.'' A friend's pregnancy or
news event may trigger questions from your teen. ''Use these as
springboards for discussion,'' says Chesser. There are plenty of
casual openers. If your daughter is about to start menstruating,
sit down and discuss it. Find out when sex education is being
taught at school and use it as a timely conversation starter.
Another good way to start is simply, ''What do you know and what
do you want to know? I'm available to help you understand,'' or
''You may have heard from your friends...I think we need to talk so
you know you can come to me for clear and accurate information.''
+ Be prepared and educated. Think beforehand how you might
handle personal questions from your son or daughter. Not sure you
have all the right answers? Refer to the video and parent guide,
contact the school nurse or visit your library or bookstore. It's
okay to admit you don't know the answer, but that you'll be glad to
find out.
+ Use the correct names for sex organs and sexual behaviors. If
that's awkward, practice saying them out loud in front of a mirror.
+ Be honest and open, giving short, simple answers.
+ Convey your personal values not only by what you say, but also
by what you do. Help your child sort out the good from the bad
views about sex. Explain that although sex is a normal part of
life, the media can falsely portray sex as being trouble-free. By
helping him recognize these media influences, you equip him with
the ability to make healthy, responsible decisions.
+ Build your child's self-esteem by making sure he knows that he
is loved. Credit him for his talents and accomplishments.
+ Listen to your child's point of view, and share your views
without putting others down.
+ Help your child learn good communication skills so he can
delay, refuse and negotiate. Role-play with your child, and help
him get a ''script'' in his mind. Parents can talk about specific
situations that may occur; it doesn't have to be sexual in nature.
The ability to refuse peer pressure to shoplift is just one
example.
Rudrauff advises, ''We teach kids how to cross the street. Think
of this as another safety issue.''
+ Talk with your teen about avoiding situations where he or she
may be forced to have sex. Discuss dating, ''making out,'' date
rape and the use of drugs and alcohol that might alter judgment and
increase vulnerability.
+ Turn your child's mistakes into positive opportunities for
learning. Don't nag, criticize, lecture or shout.
+ Keep your sense of humor.
Chesser reminds parents that there's no one right way to talk to
their children about sex. ''If your child is talking to you, you
are doing the right stuff,'' she says.
