There are three important ways to communicate in intimate relationships: with words, by touch, and through sex.

As the level of communication within a relationship becomes more personal, there should be increased understanding and trust and, finally, commitment. Often, however, verbal communication breaks down, threatening the other levels of expression as well. The couple begins avoiding one another and the opportunity for any type of physical contact, even hand-holding, is lost. Finally, they can't even discuss the weather without arguing.

Try using the methods below to strengthen your communication with your partner and to bring to your relationship a healing openness and understanding.

Using 'I' Language

Express thoughts and needs in 'I' language. For example, say 'I feel . . . I need. . . I want . . .' This will help you to express your feelings, negotiate to get your needs met, and let your partner know your emotional state at any given time in a nonthreatening manner. It may also:

• free a deadlocked relationship

• break a destructive, persistent silence

• permit the couple to talk to each other

• provide greater insight into how both verbal and nonverbal communication works.

Communication about needs and desires is basic to any relationship. Unfortunately, some people feel unable to express themselves well. They may feel they lack the words or the education to say what they mean or to enable someone else to understand how they feel.

Listening and Phrasing Skills

Listening skills are as important as verbal skills. Most of us are not good listeners. It is important for couples to learn to listen first and then to speak and to phrase messages so they do not cause hurt or invite rejection.

For example, instead of asking, 'Why do you go out and play golf every Saturday morning?' it is more effective to say, 'When you play golf on Saturday mornings, I feel left out and alone.'

It is human nature to become defensive when we feel we are being criticized. One very common defense is interrupting when our partner is talking. When we find ourselves becoming uncomfortable during a conversation, it is important to negotiate the opportunity to take turns expressing needs and deal fairly with differences. 'Why not try my way for a day or a week and then we will try your way.' Chances are good that with openness, both partners can reach a compromise with which each can be comfortable.

Listening can also be demonstrated by stating an interpretation of what your partner just said: 'So you're upset that I play golf too much?'

Failure to take each other into consideration leaves one partner, or more often, both partners feeling ignored or not being heard or understood.

Self-Image

Personal appearance, sense of accomplishment, education, professional status, health, and well-being all contribute to your self-image. A positive self-image wonderfully improves your ability to communicate. A negative image promotes withdrawal. Therefore, it is important that partners in a relationship support one another rather than criticize and attack real or imagined weaknesses.

Self-love, self-worth, and acceptance are basic human needs. If these needs aren't met, we tend to reject the supportive actions and words of those who love us. We may produce a stalemate in which:

• Supportive actions and compliments cease.

• The rejecting partner withdraws affection won by the other partner during better times when each person expressed himself or herself warmly and well.

• Both partners discount the value of being mutually supportive.

• The rejecting partner begins to feel that, 'If I'm bad, you're worse.' Such an attitude promotes even more destructive communication.

Impressions That Interfere with Communication

When you communicate with your partner, it is really your impression of yourself communicating with your impression of your partner. Assuming that the impressions you and your partner have of each other are identical increases the confusion.

It is unlikely that your impression of yourself is the same as your partner's impression of you, and vice versa. Further, a person's actions and words often fail to correct false impressions that a partner may have.

There are six impressions involved in every conversation between two people. Couples need to share more of their innermost thoughts with one another to reduce the built-in potential for confusion in communication.

Communication in a marriage is hindered or confused by the following impressions:

 
      Jim:      ------> Mary's impression of herself 
                ------> Mary's impression of Jim 
                ------> Jim's impression of Mary 
      Mary:     ------> Jim's impression of himself 
                ------> Jim's impression of Mary 
                ------> Mary's impression of Jim 

Jim's impression of himself must communicate with Mary's impression of herself and her impression of him. On the other hand, Mary, who has her impression of herself, talks not only to her impression of Jim but also to Jim's impression of her as his wife.

Our impression of ourselves is likely to be more favorable than our impression of others, and your impression of your partner may not be what he or she thinks of himself or herself either.

Partners need to be open and sharing regarding their true feelings and thoughts to correct their false impressions of each other and to come to understand each other better.

Personal Disclosure

What leads to faulty communication is failing to disclose feelings and needs, likes and dislikes, for fear of not knowing how to be open with another person. Both partners must take risks. These risks will be small at first, then later, supported by empathy and understanding, each partner can attempt greater risks. The willingness to take risks sends a message of trust to the partner.

The two processes of disclosure that lead to greater understanding can be illustrated as follows:

• Disclosure leads to empathy, which leads to greater disclosure, which leads to more understanding. Then the process begins over again.

• Disclosure leads to greater risk-taking, which leads to greater disclosure, which leads to more risk-taking. Then the process begins over again.

Realistic impressions can result only when couples share their innermost feelings. Sharing personal feelings with your partner involves risk. Normally the response is empathy, which encourages more disclosure and understanding. Some partners will need encouragement and support in making personal disclosures. Because personal disclosure may create a sense of vulnerability and anxiety, proceed slowly and take turns being at risk.